not another one

Just been on facebook, another school friend announces her pregnancy.......she's 3 months away from welcoming her baby to this World, and i'm still waiting. I'm getting anxious now, its all I wanted for Christmas....I've been a good girl, why haven't I been given my baby, why do I have to wait so long? I want a baby bump, an expression of love between my husband and I. I feel awful every month, when am I finally going to be able to say, 'we did it, we've got a baby on the way'. Feel like a failure as a wife, I can't produce, I can't give him what other woman can, he deserves more. If its a family he wants, then maybe he should find someone fertile. Whats the poing of this life if I can't even produce an offspring, am I a 'half woman'?

Christmas isn't Christmas without Kids

As much as I enjoyed spending Christmas with my nearest and dearest, it just doesn't feel right without kids.....I would've loved to have been woken up at the crack of dawn by an excited child "to see what Father Christmas left".........

could it be something so simple?

Have given into my desire to know everything there is about conceiving......and made an interesting discovery, some lubricants contain spermicides.....i always assumed they didn't. I've read up a little about 'conceive plus' two week wait is nearly up, if its negative i'll be straight down the shops.....but maybe I won't be, maybe i'll be stuck at home with morning sickness......I never thought I'd favour hanging over a toilet more than going shopping. I guess its just a side effect of this addiction, the desire to have a family, hear the pitter patter of little feet. One thing I know for sure is that this little baby(with own timescale) is going to be very loved. I just wish you'd join us sooner.

Facebook

Seems the Stork has been very busy lately and delivering the most gorgeous babies to friends........and foe......

Can't help to wonder how much of a better mother I'd be than them, what makes a good mother? How can the "no care in the World", rude, obnoxious, bully from school be blessed with a baby?

Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary

Our anniversary today. Really hoping thats what our little tadpole was waiting for. Went into Mamas and Papas yesterday, just to have a look at the really cute stuff, finding it really hard not to stock up on stuff for "one day".

Still no positive pregnancy test

Another month and still no sign of anything happening. Not as despondent as I used to be about another failure, its just part of life's course. My husband and I are going to the Bahamas next year, and to be honest, I don't think I want to go there pregnant, its our last holiday alone and I think I want it to be a bikini and cocktail holiday, because realistically, its now or never. Keep having visions of spending the entire trip hung over a toilet with morning sickness, that just wouldn't be pleasant, a complete waste, so for now, I'm quite happy we haven't had a positive test just yet. If that doesnt tempt fate, I dont know what will ;-)

Whirlwind few weeks

Had a very busy last few weeks, my parents have come over for 2 weeks, "to get away from it all".......I've been charting my cycle, but with parents and my gran here at "optimal" baby dance time, there was very little of that! So its not looking good for my August baby. Life got in the way, how ironic.

Having my parents and gran here has made me realise how in a routine my husband and I are, and quite frankly I love our routine. I think we both have a craving for alone time, alone alone and alone together. Would give anything to come home to an empty house, cook something amazing then sit down and catch up with my husband.

Anyway, its been great seeing my mom, my stepdad has his moments. Maybe that's why I moved 14 000kms away.....

Funerals and failure

Was my brothers funeral today, but as it was 14 000kms away, I didn't go.

Does a death mean a birth?

I;ve noticed in many families(including mine) that often a baby is born or conceived as the time of another family member passing away. Could it be my turn? 1 week to find out.

My brother died today

28 years old, cant beleive he's gone, still seems like a bad dream, im waiting to wake up. I'm so worried about my parents.....Im 14 000Kms away. My youngest brother will be home in an hour, how do I tell him?

Sad news

One of my friends was pregnant, with twins, two little boys, due in a few weeks......just found out she lost them last week. I'm devasted for her, sometimes you just have to sit back and think how, why?

Changing my mind?

I have been in a really strange this week, I just don't feel broody anymore, so much so that I haven't even logged on www.yourdays.com to see when I'm ovulating(logged on just before this post and noticed that I may have missed the boat this month). Somehow I've come to realise that maybe the time isn't right at the moment, we still have so many things to do as a couple, we haven't yet gone on a really good holiday, in fact, we didn't even go on honeymoon. I really want to get a little business up and running, something I can do from home, so that when the time is right I can jack in my job. Speaking of which, it looks like I'm in line for a promotion, yet another reason that now isn't the greatest time to fall pregnant.

I was speaking to a good friend of mine. He says its all in my mind, says that my mind is just finding a way to cope with the wait. He thinks we should carry on trying. Another point he brought up is that who knows how long its going to take to fall pregnant.

I haven't spoken to my husband yet. I sent him a message on Friday when I heard about my new job, without thinking I sent a message saying "I got good news" and he replied "you pregnant :-)"........I felt really bad.

Better luck next time

We haven't been lucky again this month...... I think its starting to really sink in for my husband that getting pregnant isn't always as easy as its made out to be. Last night, he said "so.....uuummmm.....how exactly does this work.....I thought it could happen any day". It really hurt telling him that I wasn't pregnant, he didn't say anything just closed his eyes, then put his arms around me. In a way I'm finding it easier to deal with now, with him knowing what I'm going through, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel that way.

This morning we went shopping, I saw a really cute Tiger teddy and as I have a vision of a safari themed nursery, I had to have it. Got home and found husband playing with it....it know has a name, Tony Tiger. He's going to be a great dad, just a pity I haven't been able to produce a positive test yet. Oh well, theres always next month. Silver lining of the cloud is that I can have a glass of wine this evening without feeling worrying.

Test Day

Have been pondering about when to take a test, the packaging says it can be taken up to 4 days before........really dying to know, but do I really want to find out then go rushing off to work and bite my tongue not wanting to tell anyone. Or do I leave it till Saturday morning, and have the whole day ahead of me for spending time with my husband and of course a trip to a baby shop....as soon as I see 2 stripes, I'm off out to buy a pair of booties!

Realisation

I realised something today, I've been focusing on the wrong thing all along. I was focusing on the baby, when really I should be thinking of why we doing this. People, on a whole, in general, or as I like to beleive, have babies as an expression of their love. Thats why my husband and I are on this journey, this baby isnt about having a cute "house guest for the next 18 years", its about making a bond, a constant symbol of our love. Flowers die, material gifts can get lost or break, but a baby, thats for life, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. A baby is a symbol of our marriage. A promise.

Best Friends Baby

My best friend had a baby about 3 weeks ago, as she lives have way around the world, I havent met the little guy yet, but I've seen plenty of photos. Got a chance to chat to her today, its strange, everything has changed, yet nothing has. She's still my good friend, but she is suddenly someones mom. I dont feel jealous when it comes to her and her baby, in fact im overwhelmed with joy for her and her new family. She knows we trying and there was an ackward uuummm while she tried to figure out how to ask the question, eventually it came out as "uuummmmm......so.....how are you?", buit odd as it was in the middle of our call. How do you really answer that? We doing ok, stil trying. or nothing yet. or not sure yet. Its an intimate question, yet she's my best friend and she knows everythings.

Optimistic

I've got a good feeling about this month. I really hope we get lucky this month, we've just celebrated our second wedding anniversary. My mom is planning a trip to visit at the end of November, would so love to share the news with her in person, and have a few shopping trips with her with baby in mind. A few months ago, I was shopping for a friends baby and saw a mother, daughter and bump shopping, its hard living so far away from my family, knowing that the shopping trip the strangers were having, isn't one I could take for granted. Most of the baby shopping will be done alone or perhaps with my husband, but knowing how much he enjoys shopping, I think it'll be left to me, I'm not complaining, I love shopping, but sometimes you want someone with you, just to say "OMG, this is so tiny".

Wedding

I went to a wedding yesterday, the bride looked amazing, her husband looked handsome, it was all so perfect........and then someone handed them their 5 month old son. Couldnt help but think to myself, "hang on a minute, I did this all the right way around, met man, fell in love, got married, next step is baby. Yet here they were, this perfect little family, they didnt do things "properly", yet they have it all. Why am I being punished for doing things in the right order?

Facebook update

Seems everyone I know has just had a baby, or is about to, or has just found out they are.......some even with baby number 2......and one that has announced TWINS. It does get hard, wanting what they've got, but I guess, they can look at me, and want things that I've got, the old adage of "you want what you cant have".

My husband doesn't often talk about the baby, so I was a little shocked and excited today when he started asking me what I though about names, in a way, I feel that I'm letting him down but not being able to "produce on demand".

Keep telling myself that it'll happen when the time is right. But when will the time be right?


A few weeks ago, when I was frequenting those horrid sites, with pictures of gorgeous babies and beautiful round bumps, I entered a competition, I've just been notified, that I won a copy of "Hello, my name is". Started wondering if anyone will think I'm a bit loopy if I start reading it, then get a pet goldfish, and bestow the chosen name onto it.

Family troubles

I know its a bit off the topic, but I'm under a lot of stress at the moment, and thats probably why we finding it difficult to conceive. Sat down and had a good think about my life at the moment and in some ways I think I'm using "wanting baby" as a distraction of everything that is going on at the moment. Started asking myself tough questions, what would have to change when we do bring baby home......

My oldest brother has been in and out of rehab for the past 10 years, last week he spent a night in jail, very worrying, but I've come to accept that the only person that can change him is himself. My youngest brother is living with us at the moment, to try and keep him away from any trouble the oldest one might drag him into. Last week my husband caught my youngest brother smoking cannabis in our garden.

Now before you start thinking I'm some from some sort of trailer trash family, I'm really not, I'm from a typical, run of the mill family.....Ok, run of the mill is stretching it a bit. But what family doesnt have the odd fruit cake?

Maybe I should start working on other aspects of my life, before I get so obsessed with baby.

You cant avoid everything

Went into town this morning, managed to avoid all baby shops and the baby departments, but I didn't manage to avoid the pregnant woman, is it just me, for are there suddenly lots of them about. And of course, didn't manage to avoid the prams, couldn't help but take a peek, tiny little people oblivious to the hustle and bustle of city life. Happy little families, new born babies strapped onto proud new daddy's chest. New mums basking in the glory of the tiny person accompanying them. I'm probably romanticising this and going a bit over the top, but its as though the three of them form their own private unit, a private bubble where no one else matters.

Fail

I think the title says it all........well, at least I had 1.5 days of thinking that just maybe I was.

Maybe I was tempting fate by calling the blog anonymous mummy, maybe it should be anonymous wannabe mummy.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking that today I'd be buying the first pair of baby socks, or perhaps even a cute little outfit. Trying hard not to get too down about it, we havent been trying all that long. I guess its all about timing, it'll happen eventually.

My husband suggested we go out last night, think he was trying to distract me, it worked for a while, I got my high heels out, had fun getting ready, then got to a club and knew its not where I wanted to be. I'm 26 and felt very out of place at the club, maybe we just went to the wrong club, but its not my scene anymore. Lying in bed last night I started wondering how many of those girls would be falling pregnant, their little mistake, and here I am desperate for it, the world is a cruel place.

In real life, I'm not really so down and depressed, think this blog is just an escape, my own little place that I can get things off my chest, things I possibly couldnt or wouldnt want to share with anyone who knows me.

D Day

Tomorrow is D Day, either Aunt Flo is going to visit or I'm going to do a test. Deep down I think it wont be the test I'm doing, but fingers crossed, stranger things have happened.

Whens my turn?

It seems we spend years trying to avoid pregnancy and then when we go looking for it, it avoids us.

Just went onto Facebook to see what my friends are up and was bombarded with baby photos, while i'm extremely jealous I am happy for them, even those who didnt plan their baby, seems a little unfair.

Husband has got a Urinary Tract Infection, so I guess baby making is off for a while till he gets it sorted out....and as a typical man, he is refusing to go the doctor, he read on google that all he needs is lots of water and cranberry juice.

Its hard to stay positive. I tried to resist, but wasn't strong enough, I ended up in Mothercare, saw the most amazing cot, and as luck would have it, it was the last one, and marked down. Not meant to be just yet.

I've had another look at those TTC websites, they really depressing. Think I should start doing this another way, look at websites aimed at teenagers where they say things like "you can fall pregnant at any time", "It will happen to you if you dont play it safe".


I won a Willvin changing bag a few weeks, its lying in the corner of our bedroom, a constant reminder. I think it might be time to back it away for a while

Tempting Fate

In an effort to tempt fate, I decorated the spare room......but not as a nursery, as a home office. Dont know why I didnt do it before, it was such a wasted space.

The 2ww (2 week wait) is nearly over.

BFN

I took the test, it was a Big Fat Negative......cant beleive I'm learning the lingo.......not to shocked it was negative though, I took it at least a week to early. Be honest.....you've done it as well.

The BIG mistake

I made a huge mistake today.....I googled "trying for a baby", and any woman who has ever done that, will understand what a minefield it is. There are woman out there who are so obsessed with trying that they've come up with their own secret language:

They aren't trying for a baby, they are ttc(trying to conceive)
It isn't a husband, its a DH(dearest husband)
Its not a period, its AF(Aunt Flo)

There are Internet forums where woman scrutinise every thing, and to be honest, I almost fell into the trap. I was feeling a little sleepy a few days ago, googled "fatigue in early pregnancy", they almost convinced me I was pregnant. Then, I kid you not(damn, I'm as bad as "THEM") I had an outbreak of pimples, so I headed to trusty google "pimples in early pregnancy" and sure enough, you get them. I had a bout of hiccoughs, and yet again google pointed me in the direction of it being an early pregnancy sign..........It all got a bit much, so I started googling the opposites of "symptoms", and I came up with positive results.

In conclusion, its normal to feel fatigued, yet its also normal to suffer from insomnia. Its normal to get morning sickness, but some woman don't get it. Some woman get pimples, some woman don't. Sometimes feeling bloated can be read as an early pregnancy sign, yet, its also a sign of your menstruation, oh excuse me, its a sign AF is on her way. Read an interesting comment that the body prepares itself for pregnancy after ovulation anyway, so most woman experience "pregnancy symptoms" every month.....we just call it PMS. So I'm none the wiser to what is actually a hard and fast sign. In our early twenties, when we had the scare, we'd take comfort in PMS symptoms, and here years later, we interpret those same signals as a possible pregnancy. Besides a late period, I don't think there are any other symptoms of pregnancy, its all in our heads.

Its a realisation that has brought much comfort to me, I can stop analysing everything my body does, the only signs I'm looking for are a late period and a positive test, or sorry, make that a BFP(Big Fat Positive).

I'm really hoping it doesn't take to long for husband DH
and I to fall pregant, because honestly I'm not looking forward to getting a CB(Cycle Buddy).

I couldnt resist

I bought a test today......a few more days and I can take it.