Test Day

Have been pondering about when to take a test, the packaging says it can be taken up to 4 days before........really dying to know, but do I really want to find out then go rushing off to work and bite my tongue not wanting to tell anyone. Or do I leave it till Saturday morning, and have the whole day ahead of me for spending time with my husband and of course a trip to a baby shop....as soon as I see 2 stripes, I'm off out to buy a pair of booties!

Realisation

I realised something today, I've been focusing on the wrong thing all along. I was focusing on the baby, when really I should be thinking of why we doing this. People, on a whole, in general, or as I like to beleive, have babies as an expression of their love. Thats why my husband and I are on this journey, this baby isnt about having a cute "house guest for the next 18 years", its about making a bond, a constant symbol of our love. Flowers die, material gifts can get lost or break, but a baby, thats for life, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. A baby is a symbol of our marriage. A promise.

Best Friends Baby

My best friend had a baby about 3 weeks ago, as she lives have way around the world, I havent met the little guy yet, but I've seen plenty of photos. Got a chance to chat to her today, its strange, everything has changed, yet nothing has. She's still my good friend, but she is suddenly someones mom. I dont feel jealous when it comes to her and her baby, in fact im overwhelmed with joy for her and her new family. She knows we trying and there was an ackward uuummm while she tried to figure out how to ask the question, eventually it came out as "uuummmmm......so.....how are you?", buit odd as it was in the middle of our call. How do you really answer that? We doing ok, stil trying. or nothing yet. or not sure yet. Its an intimate question, yet she's my best friend and she knows everythings.

Optimistic

I've got a good feeling about this month. I really hope we get lucky this month, we've just celebrated our second wedding anniversary. My mom is planning a trip to visit at the end of November, would so love to share the news with her in person, and have a few shopping trips with her with baby in mind. A few months ago, I was shopping for a friends baby and saw a mother, daughter and bump shopping, its hard living so far away from my family, knowing that the shopping trip the strangers were having, isn't one I could take for granted. Most of the baby shopping will be done alone or perhaps with my husband, but knowing how much he enjoys shopping, I think it'll be left to me, I'm not complaining, I love shopping, but sometimes you want someone with you, just to say "OMG, this is so tiny".

Wedding

I went to a wedding yesterday, the bride looked amazing, her husband looked handsome, it was all so perfect........and then someone handed them their 5 month old son. Couldnt help but think to myself, "hang on a minute, I did this all the right way around, met man, fell in love, got married, next step is baby. Yet here they were, this perfect little family, they didnt do things "properly", yet they have it all. Why am I being punished for doing things in the right order?

Facebook update

Seems everyone I know has just had a baby, or is about to, or has just found out they are.......some even with baby number 2......and one that has announced TWINS. It does get hard, wanting what they've got, but I guess, they can look at me, and want things that I've got, the old adage of "you want what you cant have".

My husband doesn't often talk about the baby, so I was a little shocked and excited today when he started asking me what I though about names, in a way, I feel that I'm letting him down but not being able to "produce on demand".

Keep telling myself that it'll happen when the time is right. But when will the time be right?


A few weeks ago, when I was frequenting those horrid sites, with pictures of gorgeous babies and beautiful round bumps, I entered a competition, I've just been notified, that I won a copy of "Hello, my name is". Started wondering if anyone will think I'm a bit loopy if I start reading it, then get a pet goldfish, and bestow the chosen name onto it.

Family troubles

I know its a bit off the topic, but I'm under a lot of stress at the moment, and thats probably why we finding it difficult to conceive. Sat down and had a good think about my life at the moment and in some ways I think I'm using "wanting baby" as a distraction of everything that is going on at the moment. Started asking myself tough questions, what would have to change when we do bring baby home......

My oldest brother has been in and out of rehab for the past 10 years, last week he spent a night in jail, very worrying, but I've come to accept that the only person that can change him is himself. My youngest brother is living with us at the moment, to try and keep him away from any trouble the oldest one might drag him into. Last week my husband caught my youngest brother smoking cannabis in our garden.

Now before you start thinking I'm some from some sort of trailer trash family, I'm really not, I'm from a typical, run of the mill family.....Ok, run of the mill is stretching it a bit. But what family doesnt have the odd fruit cake?

Maybe I should start working on other aspects of my life, before I get so obsessed with baby.

You cant avoid everything

Went into town this morning, managed to avoid all baby shops and the baby departments, but I didn't manage to avoid the pregnant woman, is it just me, for are there suddenly lots of them about. And of course, didn't manage to avoid the prams, couldn't help but take a peek, tiny little people oblivious to the hustle and bustle of city life. Happy little families, new born babies strapped onto proud new daddy's chest. New mums basking in the glory of the tiny person accompanying them. I'm probably romanticising this and going a bit over the top, but its as though the three of them form their own private unit, a private bubble where no one else matters.

Fail

I think the title says it all........well, at least I had 1.5 days of thinking that just maybe I was.

Maybe I was tempting fate by calling the blog anonymous mummy, maybe it should be anonymous wannabe mummy.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking that today I'd be buying the first pair of baby socks, or perhaps even a cute little outfit. Trying hard not to get too down about it, we havent been trying all that long. I guess its all about timing, it'll happen eventually.

My husband suggested we go out last night, think he was trying to distract me, it worked for a while, I got my high heels out, had fun getting ready, then got to a club and knew its not where I wanted to be. I'm 26 and felt very out of place at the club, maybe we just went to the wrong club, but its not my scene anymore. Lying in bed last night I started wondering how many of those girls would be falling pregnant, their little mistake, and here I am desperate for it, the world is a cruel place.

In real life, I'm not really so down and depressed, think this blog is just an escape, my own little place that I can get things off my chest, things I possibly couldnt or wouldnt want to share with anyone who knows me.

D Day

Tomorrow is D Day, either Aunt Flo is going to visit or I'm going to do a test. Deep down I think it wont be the test I'm doing, but fingers crossed, stranger things have happened.