Funerals and failure

Was my brothers funeral today, but as it was 14 000kms away, I didn't go.

Does a death mean a birth?

I;ve noticed in many families(including mine) that often a baby is born or conceived as the time of another family member passing away. Could it be my turn? 1 week to find out.

My brother died today

28 years old, cant beleive he's gone, still seems like a bad dream, im waiting to wake up. I'm so worried about my parents.....Im 14 000Kms away. My youngest brother will be home in an hour, how do I tell him?

Sad news

One of my friends was pregnant, with twins, two little boys, due in a few weeks......just found out she lost them last week. I'm devasted for her, sometimes you just have to sit back and think how, why?

Changing my mind?

I have been in a really strange this week, I just don't feel broody anymore, so much so that I haven't even logged on www.yourdays.com to see when I'm ovulating(logged on just before this post and noticed that I may have missed the boat this month). Somehow I've come to realise that maybe the time isn't right at the moment, we still have so many things to do as a couple, we haven't yet gone on a really good holiday, in fact, we didn't even go on honeymoon. I really want to get a little business up and running, something I can do from home, so that when the time is right I can jack in my job. Speaking of which, it looks like I'm in line for a promotion, yet another reason that now isn't the greatest time to fall pregnant.

I was speaking to a good friend of mine. He says its all in my mind, says that my mind is just finding a way to cope with the wait. He thinks we should carry on trying. Another point he brought up is that who knows how long its going to take to fall pregnant.

I haven't spoken to my husband yet. I sent him a message on Friday when I heard about my new job, without thinking I sent a message saying "I got good news" and he replied "you pregnant :-)"........I felt really bad.

Better luck next time

We haven't been lucky again this month...... I think its starting to really sink in for my husband that getting pregnant isn't always as easy as its made out to be. Last night, he said "so.....uuummmm.....how exactly does this work.....I thought it could happen any day". It really hurt telling him that I wasn't pregnant, he didn't say anything just closed his eyes, then put his arms around me. In a way I'm finding it easier to deal with now, with him knowing what I'm going through, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel that way.

This morning we went shopping, I saw a really cute Tiger teddy and as I have a vision of a safari themed nursery, I had to have it. Got home and found husband playing with it....it know has a name, Tony Tiger. He's going to be a great dad, just a pity I haven't been able to produce a positive test yet. Oh well, theres always next month. Silver lining of the cloud is that I can have a glass of wine this evening without feeling worrying.